Your doctor asks “What seems to be the problem?”

And you respond “Well doctor, over the last quarter I’ve been experiencing heat waves or hot flashes. I have observed that they are the worst after my morning shower. I have adjusted my shower temperature and my room thermostat to no avail. I have begun washing my hair at night to reduce the amount of heat applied to my head from hot water, the hair dryer and the flat iron, with no discernible improvement.

We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore!

I go on to explain that on mornings when I have a tighter time frame the perspiration is definitely worse – so stress is a factor. Lately I have even been reduced to rewashing before dressing and applying deodorant. This is most inconvenient and potentially embarrassing.

The night time sweats, while not as embarrassing or inconvenient as those preceding my trip into the office, cause me to wake up in the middle of the night. On many nights I am unable to return to sleep even after cooling myself down by removing layers and covers. I have not been able to tie these episodes into sleep stages or dreaming vs. non-dreaming sleep.

Whether morning or evening, the episodes do not discriminate between summer and winter. There are, however, occasional episodes during other times of day, typically occurring during stressful times, and especially when physical activity is increased, such as running up and down stairs to set up for a party.

I continue to outline specific biophysical reactions and patterns that are discernible as these events occur.

Once finished with my thorough and comprehensive overview in order to provide precise information in an effort to obtain the miraculous help that I so desperately hope to find, my doctor pauses for a second and then responds:

“Oh, women of your age. You have the strangest symptoms. Are they caused by hormones? I just don’t know. I never know what causes you women to have these weird symptoms. No one really knows. There’s just no real way to know.”

Really? I’ve just given you enough detail to launch a space shuttle out of NASA and that’s the best you can do? Do I look like I was born yesterday (don’t answer that!)! I know what you really mean is, don’t bother me with your inconveniences – is something really wrong with you? And what it makes me think is, why am I wasting my time with such a cave man (or woman – surprisingly some of these knotheads are women)?

That’s how my doctor responded to my concerns two months ago. That’s why I have an appointment with a highly recommended hormone specialist. Will I continue to use the cementhead for other things? That remains to be seen. But I am itching to cancel my November appointment!

Other cro-magnin responses friends and acquaintances have heard to concerns of this type have been:

“Oh, let me write you a prescription for an estrogen pill.”

NOTE: how about a blood test moron!!!

“Oh, you must be depressed. I will write you a prescription for an anti-depression.”

NOTE: why yes, because being a woman means being depressed – THAT’S the true distinction between men and woman!!

There are other, equally ridiculous responses, but the moral of this story is: There are medical professionals out there who understand hormones and how to implement them so that they improve the quality of your life. When you hear one of the above responses, or another really boneheaded similar response, don’t take it at face value. Go find someone who knows what the hell they are talking about and get some real help! It’s not you – it’s them!!!!