If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times – we are not emotional basket cases that melt down every time someone looks at us cross-eyed during menopause.  That said, there’s some advice for husbands that just plain old makes sense throughout your marriage – and might just keep you alive during menopause.

For starters, there are the “how does this look on me” and “do I look fat in this” conversations that frequently land you on the couch with your back in spasms. We can avoid all of that unpleasantness with a few simple points to consider.   Remember, menopause occurs during a time in a woman’s life when she might be feeling somewhat vulnerable about her appearance – does she look older, perhaps heavier – none of these possibilities are making her feel confident.  Maybe menopause makes this worse or maybe it’s just the time of life – either way a little damage control could be a lifesaver.

So here’s what you do.  You tell her that she looks lovely, but that she has several outfits that flatter her even more than this one does.  You tell her that she looks lovely, but that this outfit doesn’t show off her waist as well as others that she has.  You tell her that she looks lovely, but the color is not the most flattering you’ve seen on her.  Are you getting the drift here?  It really isn’t all that hard and you’re helping her in two ways.  You’re making her feel good about herself AND you’re helping her choose a more flattering outfit.  No need to say “that looks like crap on you and your butt is wider than our sliding glass door.” Who does that help?  And, if the outfit genuinely does look great on her – make sure she knows.  No, “Yeah, you look ok.”   Really let her know she looks terrific!

Now on to the “do you think I’m starting to look old” or “do we have enough money for liposuction” questions.  The correct answer to these is “if that’s what you want I will support it, but I honestly don’t see anything on you that needs correction.”  I credit this one to my husband who made that response several months ago when I was ruminating on some facial issues.  He said it so sincerely and so genuinely that it really took me off guard.  I was touched.  And honestly, I really don’t spend time thinking about that particular facial issue anymore.  Of course, if your wife knows there’s no way you can afford liposuction the correct answer would be “well, thank god you really don’t need any work done since we can’t afford it anyway.”  Remember, it has to be believable!

Another problem area can occur immediately following a social event.  When, at the end of a long evening of socializing, your wife says “did you see that gorgeous blond in the tight low cut red dress?  Wasn’t she incredible?”  Your response could be “Yes, she was lovely, with a little more effort she could end up being in your league.”  Said with genuine candor this response can be a show stopping success.  It’s important to acknowledge that the chick in the red dress was appealing (important note: don’t go overboard here – just a passing acknowledgement will do) but then compare her unfavorably with your world class spouse.  This works especially well for the comparison to a family member – with this response no one gets hurt – particularly not you!  I know some of you women reading right now are thinking – I know I wouldn’t buy that.  So let me share with you the comments of my very intelligent, somewhat pudgy, bucktoothed, hair like broken straw co-worker the day after she and her husband attended a gala event: “and then,” said Colleen, “he turned to me and said, “You outshone them all.”  She bought it – so will you!

Now don’t stray too far into knocking the gorgeous blond or that will seem too far fetched.  There was a time when my husband thought he had to turn every woman besides other than me into a snorting pig when we spoke.  That’s pushing it.  I recall one evening, as we dined in a local restaurant, I noticed the waitress was a particularly beautiful young woman.  When I commented to him on her beauty he responded, “how can you say that – she has a mustache.”  Really, do I look that gullible – or that needy?

At this point, you’re probably asking yourself “why do women ask these questions anyway”?  Hell I don’t know, but we all do.  So arm yourself or you’re in for some long nights.

OK, I’ve given you some pointers for a longer and happier life.  You women should print this off and hand it to your spouses.  And feel free to encourage them to contact me for specific pointers on other “sensitive” areas.  And, in the words of Spock, “Live long and prosper”!