Admit it.  You women who haven’t hit menopause yet are jealous that I never have a period.  You should be – it’s awesome!  I never have to worry about my white pants.  I never have to think about running out of a meeting because I might be leaking.  I don’t get cramps.  I don’t plot to murder my co-workers the week before it all hits.  I don’t have to look for sales and buy a zillion tampons and sanitary napkins.  And I DON’T have to wear a tampon WITH a sanitary napkin – god that was the worst!  It’s true.  I have it better than you!

I remember the day when I went through the house and jettisoned every “women’s sanitary product” that I had.  It was AWESOME.  I still had full boxes of tons of stuff.  At first I felt guilty because it seemed so wasteful, but then, duh – I donated all of the full boxes to charity.  Then I bagged all of the open boxes and went around giving them to friends.  I did get some really weird looks – but who cares!  It felt GREAT!  I remember thinking I’d better keep a few tampons in case of a house guest emergency – but that killed me.  I wanted everything out!

It makes sense – right?  After years of putting up with the mess and inconvenience – not to mention the bone crushing pain (for many years I had severe cramping) I was finally free.  Menopause rocks (in some ways)!

Here’s a bizarre thing, though.  I have, on occasion, experienced odd sensations that I have come to think of as a phantom period.  Usually I’m just going about my business and I experience a slight bit of pressure in my lower abdomen which makes me think – Oh, it’s coming.  And then there’s a moment of shock when I realize – Wow, I don’t get those anymore.  It’s the weirdest thing because my brain is triggered to assign certain sensations as “period connected recognition” (I just made that up but I think it sounds very official) and menopause hasn’t deprogrammed them.  You know what’s even weirder – after each jolting revelation that there will be no period coming – there is a momentary feeling of ennui and loss before I snap to my senses and count my menopausal blessings.  Wow, I’ve never admitted that to anyone before.